From a cisgender woman’s perspective
pronouns she/her
Shelley Argent OAM
One thing we always need to remember is that rights can be given by one government and taken by another.
So, never take your rights for granted.
Introduction: Coming out in the 90s
This piece of writing highlights the evolution of the LGBTQIAA+ community over the last twenty years from my perspective as a cisgender woman and a supportive mother.
Most of my information and thoughts come from some experiences, observations, and conversations with those who lived through these times.
When my son came out in 1995, his only right as a gay man was to be gay.
I realised he was gay when he was about eleven years of age. And, to minimise any trauma for him, I ensured our home was gay-friendly. I never wanted him to feel he wasn’t accepted or have him think there was something wrong with him.
I always told him, ‘Never apologise and never take a step back,’ because he had done nothing wrong.
I am unsure if it’s an overstatement, but suicide rates were very high at this time. And I most definitely didn’t want my son contemplating that.
I quickly realised that for some, it was like living in the shadows or living a lie because of the fear of rejection. People didn’t tell their workmates. People get married hoping marriage will solve their problems.
Many had their families believe the partner was just a housemate, and their homes were set up to give anyone who visited that impression.
Others moved away from family and lived a more authentic life in secrecy. Many in the 80’s and 90’s only came out to family after being diagnosed with AIDS or HIV. As a parent, I prayed I would never have to deal with that.
Please remember while reading what has been written about coming out in the pre 90s. I cannot imagine the fear of being outed, and the emotional energy used being fearful that you may accidently out yourself, or be seen kissing or holding hands, or just looking like you care.
Please note that I am just touching the surface of each topic. I am just trying to show examples of how life and rights have improved and how life is generally much improved for our children. The only thing that can’t be legislated is parental support, and that is just as important for our children as their rights.
I do hope you find this section helpful. Additionally, if you are still struggling with the news about sexual or gender identity, please make contact, and I will be happy to have a conversation with you.
Police in QLD
Due to a very homophobic and conservative Premier, police in Queensland in the 1980s were encouraged to actively target (including assaulting) gay men, which served as a significant deterrent to ‘outing’ oneself.
We were friendly with someone who announced, when our son first came out to us, how he used to go “poofter bashing” at South Brisbane. He even dared to complain about how “the bastards even carried knives”.
To me, this would have been for self-protection. This former friend was a man of considerable size. And as most would know, individuals who assault others as a sport or hobby often seek an audience. So, of course, he was never alone; he was in a pack.
Nothing was ever done, even if a victim complained to the police. I recall a time when police were not permitted to ask if the assault was a hate crime, as it was considered insulting to the victim. Realistically, it was a way of ignoring the reason the bashing occurred. This led to widespread mistrust of the police, resulting in many offences going unreported due to fear of contacting local authorities for assistance.
I know of a female police officer who was lesbian, and during this era, she had to keep her blinds at home drawn because her police workmates were spying on her. On many occasions, senior police would randomly attend suspected lesbian officers’ homes after hours in an attempt to find them in the company of another female.
Now, police, if they identify as LGBTQIAA+, are supported by other police officers. Most are openly gay. We even have trans police officers, which is fantastic.
Since the early 2000s, the police service has assigned liaison officers to provide support for victims of crime. LGBTQIAA+ individuals who feel they have been treated unfairly in relation to policing matters can raise concerns with a liaison officer without fear. In contrast, others typically engage with a liaison officer only when they have been the victim of a crime.
Police were always known to be the bad guys regarding rallies and demonstrations. Now, police march in Mardi Gras parades and Pride Fair celebrations.
About ten years ago, a core group of LGBTQIAA+ police officers, with the blessing of the then-Commissioner, founded the QPS LGBTQIAA+ Support Network (now the multiple award-winning QPS Pride Network). Their straightforward mission was to help bring holistic and long-standing change to the QPS in the rainbow space—and that is what they did.
Due to their tireless efforts, pride flags, rainbow patches, pins, and lanyards, support days of significance, and change policies and procedures are flown.
However, in 2021, a divisive petition by the community blocked police from marching on Pride Fair Day. The proviso was that the Qld Police Service offer an apology to all LGBTQIAA+ people for the wrongful incarcerations and ill-treatment they received over the years while at the hands of police.
The apology was given, which made many feel heard. However, their distress was too great for others, and the apology was too little, too late. Regardless, it provided a line in the sand to ensure the QPS are held accountable.
Police now have the freedom to wear rainbow-coloured badges to show they are friendly and approachable.
Beats
Before the internet and apps, some men went to “beats,” which was the only way to meet and, very often, just for sex. These were quite dangerous not only because of the thugs but the police as well, who patrolled these areas, oftentimes with the intention of entrapment. Police would often send a young, attractive male police in plain clothes into the known toilets or bush areas to bait a response, to arrest and usually bash.
Sex on Premises venues made it safer for those wanting to have sex with men. Plus, they were clean, safe and legal. Then, they would be named and shamed in the newspaper, meaning readers’ ignorance and misguided beliefs destroyed their lives and careers.
Now that rights have improved and acceptance is much better, these venues are becoming obsolete.
I became an activist for the LGBTQIAA+ community when I finished some study in 1998. It took many years, hard work and money to bring change.
I smile when people in 2025 talk about our sons and daughters’ difficult lives.
Generally, they have no idea, for example:
Death
If your partner died, you could be locked out of where you were living, so some people became homeless while grieving.
They have no say about the funeral and, worse still, not be permitted to attend the funeral of their partner if that is what their family decides.
Leaving a will was pointless because if the family contested the will, they won.
Pensions, superannuation, etc, were never given to the partner left behind.
If children were involved they could be taken from the partner and then be forbidden from seeing the child.
Today, none of that would ever happen. Laws and legislation have been changed and now same-sex couples have virtually the same rights as a heterosexual couples.
Mental Health
Even though life has improved for LGBTQIAA+ people, depression is still an issue for many for a variety of reasons, just like in the straight community. The good thing is that there are now a variety of ways to access help.
There are online services and anonymous telephone services available. Additionally, there are psychologists and psychiatrists who specialize in LGBTQIAA+ issues, making it easier for those needing support to find them.
Moreover, ordinary medical centers are widespread, staffed with professionals who are knowledgeable about the specific health needs of their LGBTQIAA+ patients. This now gives people the opportunity to feel more comfortable discussing health issues and safe sex.
There is no longer any apprehension or need to justify or explain why they need a particular medication or treatment, without judgment, as there was in the days of limited rights.Even though life has improved for LGBTQIAA+ people, depression is still an issue for many for a variety of reasons, just like in the straight community.
The good thing is that there are now a variety of ways to access help. There are online services and anonymous telephone services available. Additionally, there are psychologists and psychiatrists who specialize in LGBTQIAA+ issues, making it easier for those needing support to find them.
Moreover, ordinary medical centers are widespread, staffed with professionals who once again are knowledgeable about the specific health needs of their patients. This now gives people the opportunity to feel more comfortable discussing health issues and safe sex. There is no longer any apprehension or need to justify or explain why they need a particular medication or treatment, without judgment, as there was in the days of limited rights.
Workplace
In the workplace, legislation is set in place that prevents LGBTQIAA+ people from being bullied or sidelined for promotion. Again, the workplace is now equal. Previously, depression was a big issue because of the fear of being outed or overlooked regarding promotion.
Armed Forces
There was a time when if a person who was either sexually or gender diverse was outed while in one of the forces, they were automatically dishonourably discharged. Additionally, the whole process was quite traumatic.
Fortunately, the last ten years have brought huge change for LGBTQIAA+ people. Trans soldiers etc can now have their surgery paid by the government.
In 1992 legislation changed for this group, they could openly join the forces, but it was still very tough, because bullying remained rampant for quite for many years.
Education
Things, especially for trans children have improved. However, with changes in government, problems can arise. Additionally, parents need to find very supportive schools, whether they are primary or secondary. Once found, they can dress in the clothes of their chosen gender and be addressed by their chosen names. This makes it so much easier not only for the child but parents as well because they don’t have to struggle to get the child to school or be so concerned about the child’s mental health.
Marriage
Marriage is now legal since it was passed on 7 December 2017. So, relationships are legal, and they are no longer a feel-good token gesture. The only difference is that church weddings are out of the question.
Economic Equality
Until 2008 there was no equality even in a relationship and it was only given then because the heirarchy thought passing this legislation would mean activists would not continue the struggle for marriage equality.
But this inequality meant that partners could have been together twenty or thirty years and still treated as singles in all ways. The relationship had no legal value at all.
This affected a variety of pensions,superannuation, health care, taxation and any other financial benefit where a heterosexual couple benefits. The only previous positive benefit was they got more aged care pension or unemployed as singles than as a couple.
Adoption
Adoption and IVF are both accessible to all couples.
Murder
Now somebody cannot murder a gay man or assumed to be, and use fear of molestation (gay panic defence) as an excuse like many did around 2017. The charges were generally down graded to manslaughter and very often had no jail time.
Mardi Gras
Even this event shows how we as a nation have changed. The first Mardi Gras parade held in 1978 had about 300 people march. They didn’t get far before the police decided to break it up. There was a large number arrested beaten and thrown into jail cells. Their names and addresses were published in the papers. Because of this many lost their jobs and homes and outed to family.
Today, 10,000 people march in the parade,with 200 floats and the parade lasts at least 3 hours and is shown worldwide on TV. And, better still, half a million people stand and watch the fun as it passes by.
Mardi Gras is now celebration not a demonstration.
And, best of all, it is one month of parties and entertainment that brings people from all over the world. Additionally, its the largest night time parade.
HIV/AIDS
This is a disease that reared its head in the 1980’s. Initially, it was a death sentence. But, now people are living with HIV and thanks to medication, for many people now it is undetectable in their system.
I remember when I volunteered at the AIDS Council I saw some very sick people. Many seemed to have thin arms and legs with a bloated stomach And, if we had a working bee we never started before lunch time. We did this because they were always very tired because of the medications.
Coming Out
As I reflect on the past twenty years, the journey of the LGBTQIAA+ community stands as a testament to resilience, courage, and unwavering advocacy for equality. As a cisgender woman, and more importantly, a proud mother of a gay son. My insights are shaped by both love and witnessing profound shifts in societal attitude by those who helped to bring that change.
In the early to mid-90s, coming out was fraught with challenges. My son, James, shared his truth in a world that didn’t always accept him. While, many chose to hide their identities out of fear, living a facade that felt restrictive and perilous.
Reports of high suicide rates, echoed the sense of despair many felt. People lived dual lives. Most avoided open discussions about their partners and families were often in the dark about their loved ones’ true self. This secrecy lead to misleading appearances just to survive.
Blood Donation
The problem now with blood donation is gay men and other groups have to be celibate for three months. But in 1985 it was made illegal for any male in the LGBTQIAA+ community to ever donate. Today is more lenient for gay men. However, heterosexual men dont have to be celibate for 3 months. Additionally, the hierarchy haven’t realised yet that HIV is rising in the straight community and dropping in the LGBTQIAA+ community thanks to the education campaigns done by State run AIDS Councils.
Conversion Therapy
Regarding conversion therapy, some States have banned it completely, while others have different levels of control.
I do hope that this information has been helpful to you.
In Queensland, the laws were amended not changed. Now professionals who practiced Conversion Therapy are banned, but anyone else is permitted to try.
Conversion Therapy doesnt work in any way. But it does create stress and anxiety to victims, because no person chooses to be LGBTQIAA+. However, stress and failure increases suicidal ideation for the victims.
There is nothing positive to say about Conversion Therapy.
A tip for parents who may be reading
As a parent of a gay son, and volunteering in the “gay” community as it was called 20 years ago , I would suggest to other parents to be supportive and listen to your child.
Do not assume that they will lose their morals, or disappear into some new world. Ask questions, be interested in what you are told, ask to be taken to their favourite venue for coffee or dinner.
Dont look judgemental or horrified because of what they are saying. If you do, your child will stop including you in conversations and that you don’t want.
Conclusion
This is not a perfect world and I doubt it ever will be. My personal opinion is its only white straight males who have it all, but of course they dont see it that way.
My opinion is the LGBTQIAA+ community’s rights now are like women rights and first nation peoples rights. There will always be something that can be improved. example at this time for the LGBTQIAA+ are blood donations which is a federal issue and conversion therapy is State, and it depends on the State where we live as to a persons rights on this issue. Some States have already recognised the need for legislative changes, while others do as little as possible regarding change.
